animo ablaze. >>--->

it was la salle's second game for the first round of uaap season 72. i watched the game for the first time live this season, and effortlessly got lower box seats. i had wanted, badly, to watch a game live (i'd watch every game, if i could) : one - to actually see them play, two - to cheer my heart out, and three - to see if they wanted it bad enough, and if any of them had heart. you gotta have heart to play the game, as seen most recently in king archer jv casio. the team, is a very young team. no star players, no go-to guys. it is a team made up of those who have experienced redemption *season 70* and defeat *season 71*. plus a bunch of rookies who have yet to prove themselves. la salle's game vs ue was very painful to watch on tv. (not only that, hearing boom gonzales is driving me nuts. please, for the love of basketball, don't let him cover la salle games. or better yet, get another sportscaster!!!) i would've expected the veterans to take the crucial shots, but they only ended up choking. talk about first day jitters. i'd expect that from the rookies, but not not the veterans, who have had more nerve racking games than this one. it served as a reality check, that the possibility of earning a spot in the final four is very very slim. of course, this can't be concluded with just a result of a single game, a poorly played game at that, but then all you have to do is hope for the best and expect the worst.

today's game, is still another loss. la salle's standing is at 0-2, same as up's. apparently, la salle has never started with a 0-2 standing for the past 23 years. at the score of 65-51, it seemed that the archers are struggling to even hit the 50 point mark. why all this negativity, you might ask? it's just that in knowing all these, knowing the worst possible outcome, i am keeping the faith.. still. always. no matter what.

this loss has been bearable because i have seen the animo ablaze in the archers. the rookies seemed to have more heart in them. and other veterans are trying to step up this time. i wanted to see passion and fire and desire to play the game, but instead, i saw a spark. that will be enough for now. i can bear to watch games, even against ateneo, so long as they fight.

i am keeping the faith. i'm ready for the heartaches and the heartbreaks, no armors, just heart. the rookies have really great potential and i'm hoping that in 2-3 years, la salle will have its dream team (and simon atkins as team captain. hehe. ;p fearless forecast?!). ANIMO LA SALLE! >>--->

..because i have a lot on my mind..

to say that i’ve been riding on an emotional roller coaster for the past few weeks is an understatement. as a result of such, i have been experiencing a lot of physical pain recently, severe neck pain, a decrease in my blood pressure when it should’ve been high (yeah, you read it right, i’m complaining i don’t have high BP.. haha!) and worst of all, heart palpitations topped with migraine. i don’t know how i managed to get some sleep last july 6, i was almost waiting for someone to take my brain and my heart out. i have been going through so much emotional warfare, and keeping everything bottled up, that finally, my body couldn’t take it. either that, or i’m getting old (and not exercising. haha.) if i had blogged about it, maybe i would’ve *suffered* less. sleeping late isn’t helping either, and yeah, i really am stubborn. i’m ok now, palpitations are gone, thank God. so let the blogging begin. where to start..

true love waits. :)

like i said, it’s an emotional roller coaster, so let me start with the highs. when i wanted to buy a new phone, i surfed the net, and posted here that i fell in love with the SE G900. so i figured, i wanted to get a DSLR for the longest time, might as well post my dream model here in hopes of eventually getting it. haven’t had time to blog lately, so i skipped that entire part and already bought one. i have a new baby and his name is Bruno. :) yep, i named him after a commercial model, haha. i call him B. when i first saw the Nikon D5000, i fell in love with it. and the first time i was able to hold one, it felt like we were meant to be. most girls fall in love with shoes or bags or clothes, (i’m not saying that i don’t.. haha!) but i fall in love harder with gadgets. i knew i had to have him – or it. i have been discouraged from making this purchase, but then, i just had to follow my heart. meet Bruno:

now that i have him, (i'm talking about him as if he's a person and not a thing.. :p) i have much to learn. the first time i brought him with me, i even brought the manual. haha!

why did i choose the Nikon D5000? there has been a long standing question as to which brand is better or even the best, is it a canon or a nikon? you can do all the research you want to, look it up on the internet, ask people who use different brands. they say that the best camera is the one you've got. i say go out there and actually hold the unit you want. if it feels right, then go for it. that's what i did. i fell in love with it. and i actually got it. :) never settle for second best.

passing of michael jackson

michael jackson passed away last june 25, 2009 at the age of 50. found out about it through, where else, facebook. at first i thought it was a joke, but after reading through some other sites, found out it was true. yeah, he was the king of pop. but i didn’t really get why almost everyone was so affected. i wasn’t a big fan. i was thinking maybe his death really didn’t sink in to me yet. and i was right. i was late, as always, and only felt the magnitude of his death after watching his daughter paris break down with her two liner speech, “i just wanted to say, ever since i was born, daddy was the best father you could ever imagine. and i just wanted to say, i love him.. so much.” i watched that clip in the office, and i wanted to cry. i felt so bad for the kids. they turned out great. MJ was probably the best father those three kids will ever have simply because he loved them. i have been youtube-ing for videos of the kids, and find myself thinking what will happen to them. yeah, affected much, but i sincerely hope that the three kids will grow up to become beautiful testaments as to who MJ really was.. first and foremost a father. i hope they don’t separate blanket from paris and prince . those three kids really need to stick together.

checking in at the heartbreak hotel

uaap season 72 just started july 11, 2009. and so i have archer fever again. not that this fever ever goes away, but it’s on its highest alert this time of the year. ok, time for my pre-game comments:

• i have to agree with what commissioner joe lipa said about the officiating this year, (i want to find the exact quote, but i can’t.) that the game should be played by the coaches and the players, and that ‘it should never be decided with a blow of a whistle.’ amen to that! screw that no taunting rule! (i really can’t let it go.. :p)
• seeing the ateneo’s team introduction still brings up the ouch factor. man, after almost a year, it still hurts. :c
• what the freaking F? (more like, huwat da freakin' eeeefff?!?!?!) why boom? why?!?! can’t they get somebody else? and why does he always have to cover la salle games? why?! BOOOOOOO.
• uaap season 72 on HD offered by sky cable. yup, and they’re damn proud of it. just make sure your normal connections are working perfectly before bragging about HD. i can’t forget my sky cable story.
• BOOO for boom.

onto the game. dlsu vs ue. too bad we lost. 46-65. gahd. my comments:

• yey, the boys are back! but i miss jv, rico & la. heck i even miss sharon yu. haha!
• the team obviously lacked chemistry. except for si and david. *love* team of the year.
• i love the overhead panning. but not so much when they’re still on that camera and the ball is already on the other court.
• 2 pumarens on the green side. and we still lost.
• the veterans need to step up. BADLY. james had an off game. somebody needs to lead them and show the new guys what to do. keep in mind, 6 rookies.
• marata and tolentino both have potential. andrada, bulk up. i’m still waiting for bringas to bring it. welcome to collegiate basketball, boys!
• and how come nobody can shoot?! we need a shooter, a go to guy.
• as usual, what’s up with the free throws?!
• i’m hoping it’s just jitters. it’s the first game of the season. bounce back. :)

sure it’s a loss, and heartbreak hurts like hell. but with the archers, i’m willing to endure the pain. BSB said it best when they sang, ‘ain’t nothing but a heartache.. cause i want it that way.’ like i said, true love talaga. haha!

cluttered.

i have a lot on my mind, not all exactly concerning me. like the jackson kids. i can't stop thinking about them. i'll be blogging hopefully before the end of the week, almost a month's worth of thoughts, and they're all just there, cluttered in my head. gotta write them down somewhere before i lose them. my thoughts are all over the place. it's like 15% - jackson kids, 35% - green archers & our fate this season, 5% - hannah montana (i know, right?!), 5% - rolling the credits, 20% - combination of work, my daily routine, things i have to do and 20% - YOU. *did i get my math right?* i try to spend that 20% elsewhere, so i pretty much distract myself with music. it may not look or seem like it, and you may not hear or feel it, because i don't say or show it.. but *you* are the *special* one. ;)

you might want to take a bow now. it's over.

roll the credits - paula deanda

(Roll the credits)

Boy in the beginning
In the beginning it me and you
I was Bonnie, You were Clyde
We we were running
We were running for the end
We knew
(Before the credits)

But then in the middle
In the middle you went and changed the script
Took a pencil and erased my happy ending
Instead of loving you I feel so sick
(Roll the credits)

I know you directed it
I'm sure I produced a bit
So why's that chick stealing my show?

Baby, Tell me
Who is she?
I need to know her name and number
Tell me
Who does she hang out with
When you're not together
I ain't gonna do nothing crazy
I just need you to hear me
(Before the credits)

Roll the credits
And tell me
How many of your friends
You told all about it
They said "You're workin"
Last Friday night when I was calling
Did you lie to all of them, too?
Or was I just the fool?
(Well, roll the credits)

Roll the credits

You worked undercover
And gave her every single line I owned
And it doesn't make me feel any better
That you took her places we would go

I thought you were meant for me
My name should be on that screen
Tell me, why is that chick playing my roll?

Baby, Tell me
Who is she?
I need to know her name and number
Tell me
Who does she hang out with
When you're not together
I ain't gonna do nothing crazy
I just need you to hear me
(Before the credits)

Roll the credits
And tell me
How many of your friends
You told all about it
They said "You're workin"
Last Friday night when I was calling
Did you lie to all of them, too?
Or was I just the fool?
(Well, roll the credits)

Roll the credits

I know you directed it
I'm sure I produced a bit
I thought you were meant for me
My name should be on that screen
We weren't even at the end
But you started auditioning
And let somebody star in my show

Baby, Tell me
Who is she?
I need to know her name and number
Tell me
Who does she hang out with
When you're not together
I ain't gonna do nothing crazy
I just need you to hear me
(Before the credits)

Roll the credits
And tell me
How many of your friends
You told on about it
They said "You're workin"
Last Friday night when I was calling
Did you lie to all of them, too?
Or was I just the fool?
(Well, roll the credits)

Roll the credits
Roll the credits
(Roll the credits)
Roll the credits
Roll the credits

Roll the credits

one condition.

Don't Let Me Fall - Lenka

underneath the moon, underneath the stars
heres a little heart for you
up above the world, up above it all
heres a hand to hold on to

but if i should break, if i should fall away
what am i to do?
i need someone to take, a little of the weight
or ill fall through

you're just the one that i've been waiting for
i'll give you all that i have to give and more
but don't let me fall

take a little time, walk a little line
got the balance right
give a little love, gimme just enough
so that i can hang on tight

we will be alright, ill be by your side
i wont let you down
but i gotta know, no matter how things go
that you will be around

don’t let me fall

underneath the moon, underneath the stars
here’s a little heart for you
up above the world, up above it all
here’s a hand to hold on to

you'll be the one that I’ll love forever more
ill be here holding you high above it all
but don’t let me fall

checking in.

wow. first post for the month of may. i've totally forgotten about my blog, i was too busy facebooking. haha. there, another addiction.

-*-

i'd come from an out of town trip this weekend. people close to me would know i have little tolerance for physical pain, and as i grew older, i've become easily prone to all sorts of body pain. oo na, rayuma. haha! i'd gone hiking for only about an hour, which is some sort of personal achievement for me, and i should've taken some sort of pain reliever before sleeping given the type of pain i was in for the next day. i forgot the pain reliever. damn memory gap.

surprisingly, my legs didn't hurt. my knees were ok. my back wasn't aching. i was ready to go malling on a sunday.

something else hurts, and if all it took was a tablet to make it go away, i would have gladly taken it.

random ramblings

it's almost the end of april, but it doesn't feel like it. raining in the middle of summer? must be global warming. i haven't even set foot on any beach this summer, and it's already flooding in makati. haha.

-*-

i don't know if it's my sadistic side trying to come out, but i miss, in a twisted way, stress. say what?! maybe i was so used to having stress for breakfast, lunch and dinner for four and a half years that it's taking a while to get it out of my system. i am not so sure if miss is the perfect term, and i don't know what kind of stress i actually miss, or what kind of person i am to be missing stress (haha!). i still sleep late, but only because i spend way too much time on the internet. i no longer dream of my clients' account numbers or the 3270 black screen. no more sudden rude realizations about a task i had to do but forgot and have an automatic panic attack because it's a saturday and there's nothing i can really do about it until monday. ( <-- now this is funny..) i don't hear the L150 reading checks or that override request buzz in my head anymore. i am so much better off at my new work now, even if i'm only almost three months in. i am still bitter about my former job, though. it's been taking me FOREVER to call up HR. gahd. and everytime i visit the bank, i still feel a bit of tension only because i hated (more like: hated with a passion) my time (prison?) there. it just takes time, i guess. hopefully, i'll look back on my banking career and have a good laugh.. because right now, it feels like i have been scarred for life.

in freaking denial. ;p

i feel like i need some sort of emotional brake. yup, that's right, brake. pull-string-in-case-of-emergency. break-glass-in-case-of-fire. i am thankful for the long weekend because it has given me time to sllloooowww down; i was on full speed, almost crushing crashing. (lol!)

why fight the current when it's nearly impossible to swim against it? but then again, why get in the water when you know you can't swim in the first place?

time for a change..

i'm trying to change my blog. gahd, i think i got a headache just changing my blog's template. so much for trying to be a techie. haha!

pictures of you, pictures of me - the last goodnight

This is the clock upon the wall
This is the story of us all
This is the first sound of a newborn child,
Before he starts to crawl
This is the war that’s never won
This is a soldier and his gun
This is the mother waiting by the phone,
Praying for her son

(Chorus)
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

There is a drug that cures it all
Blocked by the governmental wall
We are the scientists inside the lab,
Just waiting for the call
This earthquake weather has got me shaking inside
I'm high up and dry

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be


Confess to me, every secret moment
Every stolen promise you believed
Confess to me, all that lies between us
All that lies between you and me

We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we can't win no matter
How hard we might swing

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been

movie: definitely, maybe.

i've watched parts of the movie definitely, maybe starring ryan reynolds and isla fisher over the past week. it was recommended to me by my friend, aps, and one of the movie's main characters is named april, and heck this is my first blog post for the month of april. :) i took advantage of the long weekend, hoping it would be shown on hbo again but it aired for the last time last sunday. so i panicked, and watched it online instead. (i know, bad!) of course, watching it took forever, and i slept at around 4:30 am, but so worth it.

i loved it. my favorite part was april and will meeting at a bar/restaurant and talking about the "real deal". (unfortunately, i can't find a clip for this one.)

will : you see, i don't want a fling. i want the real deal.
april: forget about the real deal. you don't find it, it finds you.
will : what does that mean? i don't know what that means.
april: it means that you get to a certain age and then you're ready. you know, you're ready for kids or commitment or you know, a mortgage, you know what i mean? and the person that you are with then becomes the one.
will : so you're saying it's not who, it's when?
april: exactly.

video below is my second favorite scene, a wedding proposal:

will you, um, marry me?
definitely.. maybe. ;p

love and banking.

i was never the aggressive investor.


for a while there, i thought i was. well, ok, maybe not exactly aggressive.. more of a moderate investor.


really, i am a conservative investor.


i was a banker for almost five years, and you would think that i should know a lot about investing. if you’d ask me where you can put your money, i’d assess the right type of product to offer you based on where you get your money, how often you get it, your spending habits, if you have extra funds and if you have a good understanding of basic banking. if you were just starting out, i’d suggest opening an ATM savings account. if you have your own business, i’d suggest opening a checking account. or if you were really pushy and want to put your money where it would yield higher interests, under my breath, i’d suggest you look for another bank i’d point you to my officer who would then offer you either T-bills or FMIC.

i didn’t stay that long in the banking industry, but i’d stayed long enough to figure out how it works. however, personally, i haven’t really made any investments of my own.

at first, i was a moderate investor. kept some money in a savings account and kept the rest in a time deposit account. this was ok. very manageable. but at some point, i wanted my money to work harder for me.

then i tried my hand at being an aggressive investor. put my funds out there, and wake up a rich woman. ;p so, i went out there, thought i was making a very wise investment in the UITF (Unit Investment Trust Fund). after a few months, UITF wasn’t so profitable as it first started out, and now instead of reaping the fruitful rewards, my investment is still there. losing, instead of gaining, as i type. it’s all really paper loss until i pull it out, where my actual loss will be realized. for now, i’m forgetting about it, even though at the back of my mind i’m regretting why i didn’t pull out that investment when it was still earning. it turned out to be more like a loan rather than an investment. (crap.)

so after that paper loss, i’m now considering myself to be a conservative investor. as much as i want to invest in something, i’m thinking i’d rather keep it to myself instead. watch from the sidelines, see how the economy is doing. i really want to get out there and invest, but i’m crazy scared that that UITF thing will happen to me all over again.

.
.
.

love and banking? they feel pretty much the same to me. both grow over time. those P5 coins you keep will amount to a hundred bucks before you know it. just like those nonsense conversations you have that become a constant part of your day sooner than you think. being on a ‘we’re just friends’ mode for the longest time is just the same as keeping your money in a low interest bearing savings account. or choosing to break up before things get messy is like pulling out your investment right before its value drops. or giving so much to another person and leaving none for yourself is like issuing checks that have no funds: you are even obliged to pay overdraft charges. there are risks that have to be taken if you want to get a hold of the rewards. and by rewards i mean, regardless of whether you end up in a successful relationship or not, simply following your heart. investments aren’t always guaranteed, some are profitable, some aren’t and at times, you get to consider yourself lucky if you breakeven. you just have to choose carefully and hopefully, you picked the risk worth taking. ¤ö¤

math and cartoons..

'oh my gosh! the square root of soon is never!' - candace waiting for jeremy to call her, after he said he was gonna call her soon. hahaha!

at random..

like i said, the punch line was just around the corner. i just didn't get it. ;p

-*-

sometimes i think when i want something so much, i'm pretty much doomed to screw things up. when the opportunity presents itself, i panic, and i either mess it up or just let it pass me by. the crappy part about it is that opportunities rarely present themselves to me, and when this particular 'opportunity' was in front of me, i didn't even get to savor the 'moment' but went straight to overdrive 'panic mode: ON' instead. gahd, i can't even get myself to stop. and. appreciate. the. small. things.

-*-

it's been almost two months since i've resigned from mbtc and late one night i was thinking what i miss about that place. it took me almost two minutes to come up with something. haha! i'd rather not go back there, but these are the things i miss:

* wearing a skirt (uniform) with 3 inch heels
* seeing anyone of my top 10 (nah, they're not really 10, i just like to call them that) **high school girl swooning**
* hearing stupid things
* rolling my eyes in utter disbelief and/or amusement after hearing or seeing something insanely ridiculous
* this is pretty hard, ha..
* conversing with my most valued clients
* having my after lunch coffee and my 4pm tea

nothing work related to miss, haha! i still go there at least once a week to do personal transactions, and everytime i step inside, i'm thinking thank God i don't work here anymore. ;p

don't you know? it's already ferb-ruary!

it seems like i may have been on hibernate mode, but really, after more than a month of being unemployed, there's nothing much i can really write about. hahaha! first two weeks of january have been very chaotic since we moved. i'm still not yet done, i'm sorting through almost twenty six years worth of trash/stuff. i have been living the dream for quite some time, sleeping late, waking up late, watching tv and surfing the net. this is just like me, about five years ago, fresh out of college and not knowing what to do with my life. what makes this time different is that i feel that i really needed this break, just to keep me sane. february is now here, and i guess it's about time i get out there, back to the real world. over the past few years, there were some things that i wanted that i prayed really hard for or asked for a sign, but sometimes it felt like God was trying to be funny with me with His answers that for a while i stopped asking (but i never stopped praying). in a really weird way, this time around, i got exactly what i wished for, and as good as that is, i'm still scared as hell that the punch line is just around the corner. oh well, it's a brand new year, so i think i'd better stop being pessimistic and start being optimistic. so i'm taking up phineas and ferb on this one, today is gonna be a great day!

happy new year!!

naman!

2008 was a bittersweet year for me. i've had several heartbreaks, including dlsu's season 71 loss, seriously, and my job. but there's no better way to end the year than to walk away from the things i cannot change, and so i did. this new year, i'll start with a clean slate. i even got a new haircut, a different style for the first time in probably eight years. for free, thank you very much! i'd say that's a good start. ;p

see you never. ;p

yesterday was officially my last day at work. it was supposed to be a holiday, but i had to give in (for the last time..) to another one of the bank's sadistic mandates and reported for work. we operated on offline mode and since transactions posted were validated for jan 2, 2009 (which is again, a holiday.), i didn't log in because i wouldn't be employed by then. :) i answered the phone for the most part of the day, a thing i always did anyway. that is surely one thing i wouldn't miss, having to answer phone calls that weren't mine, and with the phone constantly ringing, it almost felt like the handset was glued to my ear on some days.

anyway.. my official last day was something i have been looking forward to for the whole month of december. it was definitely one of the best days, ever, only because i wouldn't have to go back there as an employee ever again. :) my officemates would joke around and ask me if it was already time to cry, and i'd say, "of course not!" imagine a co-worker telling you this: "alam mo kahit ganyan ka, mami-miss kita." i took it offensively, wtf was that supposed to mean? if it was a joke, it was better left unsaid. i replied, "ganun?" and then walked out. haha! it just wasn't worth it. i know that they will remember me when they cannot (or won't) do the simplest of things (i mean as simple as looking for a client's phone number, the signature cards are there also for that purpose, haller..). imagine, would you miss this? i definitely wouldn't.



i spent the latter half of the month telling clients i resigned. after that statement, i prepared to answer the follow up question, "bakit?" i found it very entertaining how people reacted when i told them i resigned. the automatic assumption was that i had found work elsewhere, probably at another bank. a runner up assumed reason for my resignation was that i was going abroad. when i say that i'm not transferring or going abroad, they'd think i was resigning because i was getting married. ha? i had to laugh everytime i got asked this because i'm thinking, aren't you supposed to work harder if you're getting married? i mean unless you're marrying somebody insanely rich, but then again, a woman can get married and keep her career right? what are we, living in the olden days? to that, again, i'd say no. the best follow up question i got was "bakit, may naka-away ka ba?" haha! showbiz much? i don't think i ever really gave a straight up reason for my resignation. artista lang, i've intentionally avoided having to explain my decision for like the nth time. i do not have a new job elsewhere, for the simple reason that i couldn't even show up for interviews because i couldn't take a leave from work. i am not going abroad, i couldn't even bear to be away from home for more than a week. definitely, i am not getting married (hahaha, very funny!) my resignation letter indicates my reason for resignation was because i had to attend to personal family matters. yes, we have been planning to put up a business for quite some time now but haven't gotten around to actually doing that, and i want to help. could i have helped my family while still keeping my job? why yes, of course! do i still want to be sane? hell yes. so i let go of the thing that has been very very toxic to my system, my work. what about it, you ask? the work, is bearable. work is work. there were days when i'd go home and just have a good cry to let out the stress, but there were also days when it was petiks mode: ON. i just got tired of it. at any workplace, there is a system. if everybody does his or her part, then things would get done. i got tired of waiting for people to do their part and having to pick up their slack. i got tired of being taken for granted (and i don't ask for much). i had enough of not being able to make my own judgement calls, which is really frustrating, because from experience, somebody else would overrule it. what were the guidelines for, display? also, it wasn't really helpful that for questionable transactions or procedures, i had to call up another person from another branch to confirm what i already know or tell me what to do. i should've asked a superior but for the most part, i'd rather not. i learned what i know now not only because somebody taught me the fundamentals but mainly because i taught myself. i had to ask other people how things get done. i had to know almost by heart the things i learned at my mti training, which is probably the only training ever worth attending. i am not being ungrateful to the people who have been my mentors, but for somebody else to take credit for what i have become at work is very unacceptable. the things you learn at work, for work, should've been taught to you by somebody from work. the kiss of death sealed the deal. i had suffered full blown job burn out.

i have been bitter about my work for the longest time and i realize that i'm now only bitter on the surface, if there ever was such a thing. some people may love pain, love the feeling of being broken-hearted, i, on the other hand love the feeling of being bitter. i get a kick out of making bitter comments, haha, but at the end of the day, i don't lose sleep over it. bitter-bitteran lang. ;p

so there. i had a lot to say. very cathartic. probably won't be the last, haha! i am just so loving my new found freedom. ;p to my former career, see you never. ;p