random ramblings

it's almost the end of april, but it doesn't feel like it. raining in the middle of summer? must be global warming. i haven't even set foot on any beach this summer, and it's already flooding in makati. haha.

-*-

i don't know if it's my sadistic side trying to come out, but i miss, in a twisted way, stress. say what?! maybe i was so used to having stress for breakfast, lunch and dinner for four and a half years that it's taking a while to get it out of my system. i am not so sure if miss is the perfect term, and i don't know what kind of stress i actually miss, or what kind of person i am to be missing stress (haha!). i still sleep late, but only because i spend way too much time on the internet. i no longer dream of my clients' account numbers or the 3270 black screen. no more sudden rude realizations about a task i had to do but forgot and have an automatic panic attack because it's a saturday and there's nothing i can really do about it until monday. ( <-- now this is funny..) i don't hear the L150 reading checks or that override request buzz in my head anymore. i am so much better off at my new work now, even if i'm only almost three months in. i am still bitter about my former job, though. it's been taking me FOREVER to call up HR. gahd. and everytime i visit the bank, i still feel a bit of tension only because i hated (more like: hated with a passion) my time (prison?) there. it just takes time, i guess. hopefully, i'll look back on my banking career and have a good laugh.. because right now, it feels like i have been scarred for life.

in freaking denial. ;p

i feel like i need some sort of emotional brake. yup, that's right, brake. pull-string-in-case-of-emergency. break-glass-in-case-of-fire. i am thankful for the long weekend because it has given me time to sllloooowww down; i was on full speed, almost crushing crashing. (lol!)

why fight the current when it's nearly impossible to swim against it? but then again, why get in the water when you know you can't swim in the first place?

time for a change..

i'm trying to change my blog. gahd, i think i got a headache just changing my blog's template. so much for trying to be a techie. haha!

pictures of you, pictures of me - the last goodnight

This is the clock upon the wall
This is the story of us all
This is the first sound of a newborn child,
Before he starts to crawl
This is the war that’s never won
This is a soldier and his gun
This is the mother waiting by the phone,
Praying for her son

(Chorus)
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

There is a drug that cures it all
Blocked by the governmental wall
We are the scientists inside the lab,
Just waiting for the call
This earthquake weather has got me shaking inside
I'm high up and dry

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be


Confess to me, every secret moment
Every stolen promise you believed
Confess to me, all that lies between us
All that lies between you and me

We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we can't win no matter
How hard we might swing

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been

movie: definitely, maybe.

i've watched parts of the movie definitely, maybe starring ryan reynolds and isla fisher over the past week. it was recommended to me by my friend, aps, and one of the movie's main characters is named april, and heck this is my first blog post for the month of april. :) i took advantage of the long weekend, hoping it would be shown on hbo again but it aired for the last time last sunday. so i panicked, and watched it online instead. (i know, bad!) of course, watching it took forever, and i slept at around 4:30 am, but so worth it.

i loved it. my favorite part was april and will meeting at a bar/restaurant and talking about the "real deal". (unfortunately, i can't find a clip for this one.)

will : you see, i don't want a fling. i want the real deal.
april: forget about the real deal. you don't find it, it finds you.
will : what does that mean? i don't know what that means.
april: it means that you get to a certain age and then you're ready. you know, you're ready for kids or commitment or you know, a mortgage, you know what i mean? and the person that you are with then becomes the one.
will : so you're saying it's not who, it's when?
april: exactly.

video below is my second favorite scene, a wedding proposal:

will you, um, marry me?
definitely.. maybe. ;p

love and banking.

i was never the aggressive investor.


for a while there, i thought i was. well, ok, maybe not exactly aggressive.. more of a moderate investor.


really, i am a conservative investor.


i was a banker for almost five years, and you would think that i should know a lot about investing. if you’d ask me where you can put your money, i’d assess the right type of product to offer you based on where you get your money, how often you get it, your spending habits, if you have extra funds and if you have a good understanding of basic banking. if you were just starting out, i’d suggest opening an ATM savings account. if you have your own business, i’d suggest opening a checking account. or if you were really pushy and want to put your money where it would yield higher interests, under my breath, i’d suggest you look for another bank i’d point you to my officer who would then offer you either T-bills or FMIC.

i didn’t stay that long in the banking industry, but i’d stayed long enough to figure out how it works. however, personally, i haven’t really made any investments of my own.

at first, i was a moderate investor. kept some money in a savings account and kept the rest in a time deposit account. this was ok. very manageable. but at some point, i wanted my money to work harder for me.

then i tried my hand at being an aggressive investor. put my funds out there, and wake up a rich woman. ;p so, i went out there, thought i was making a very wise investment in the UITF (Unit Investment Trust Fund). after a few months, UITF wasn’t so profitable as it first started out, and now instead of reaping the fruitful rewards, my investment is still there. losing, instead of gaining, as i type. it’s all really paper loss until i pull it out, where my actual loss will be realized. for now, i’m forgetting about it, even though at the back of my mind i’m regretting why i didn’t pull out that investment when it was still earning. it turned out to be more like a loan rather than an investment. (crap.)

so after that paper loss, i’m now considering myself to be a conservative investor. as much as i want to invest in something, i’m thinking i’d rather keep it to myself instead. watch from the sidelines, see how the economy is doing. i really want to get out there and invest, but i’m crazy scared that that UITF thing will happen to me all over again.

.
.
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love and banking? they feel pretty much the same to me. both grow over time. those P5 coins you keep will amount to a hundred bucks before you know it. just like those nonsense conversations you have that become a constant part of your day sooner than you think. being on a ‘we’re just friends’ mode for the longest time is just the same as keeping your money in a low interest bearing savings account. or choosing to break up before things get messy is like pulling out your investment right before its value drops. or giving so much to another person and leaving none for yourself is like issuing checks that have no funds: you are even obliged to pay overdraft charges. there are risks that have to be taken if you want to get a hold of the rewards. and by rewards i mean, regardless of whether you end up in a successful relationship or not, simply following your heart. investments aren’t always guaranteed, some are profitable, some aren’t and at times, you get to consider yourself lucky if you breakeven. you just have to choose carefully and hopefully, you picked the risk worth taking. ¤ö¤

math and cartoons..

'oh my gosh! the square root of soon is never!' - candace waiting for jeremy to call her, after he said he was gonna call her soon. hahaha!

at random..

like i said, the punch line was just around the corner. i just didn't get it. ;p

-*-

sometimes i think when i want something so much, i'm pretty much doomed to screw things up. when the opportunity presents itself, i panic, and i either mess it up or just let it pass me by. the crappy part about it is that opportunities rarely present themselves to me, and when this particular 'opportunity' was in front of me, i didn't even get to savor the 'moment' but went straight to overdrive 'panic mode: ON' instead. gahd, i can't even get myself to stop. and. appreciate. the. small. things.

-*-

it's been almost two months since i've resigned from mbtc and late one night i was thinking what i miss about that place. it took me almost two minutes to come up with something. haha! i'd rather not go back there, but these are the things i miss:

* wearing a skirt (uniform) with 3 inch heels
* seeing anyone of my top 10 (nah, they're not really 10, i just like to call them that) **high school girl swooning**
* hearing stupid things
* rolling my eyes in utter disbelief and/or amusement after hearing or seeing something insanely ridiculous
* this is pretty hard, ha..
* conversing with my most valued clients
* having my after lunch coffee and my 4pm tea

nothing work related to miss, haha! i still go there at least once a week to do personal transactions, and everytime i step inside, i'm thinking thank God i don't work here anymore. ;p

don't you know? it's already ferb-ruary!

it seems like i may have been on hibernate mode, but really, after more than a month of being unemployed, there's nothing much i can really write about. hahaha! first two weeks of january have been very chaotic since we moved. i'm still not yet done, i'm sorting through almost twenty six years worth of trash/stuff. i have been living the dream for quite some time, sleeping late, waking up late, watching tv and surfing the net. this is just like me, about five years ago, fresh out of college and not knowing what to do with my life. what makes this time different is that i feel that i really needed this break, just to keep me sane. february is now here, and i guess it's about time i get out there, back to the real world. over the past few years, there were some things that i wanted that i prayed really hard for or asked for a sign, but sometimes it felt like God was trying to be funny with me with His answers that for a while i stopped asking (but i never stopped praying). in a really weird way, this time around, i got exactly what i wished for, and as good as that is, i'm still scared as hell that the punch line is just around the corner. oh well, it's a brand new year, so i think i'd better stop being pessimistic and start being optimistic. so i'm taking up phineas and ferb on this one, today is gonna be a great day!

happy new year!!

naman!

2008 was a bittersweet year for me. i've had several heartbreaks, including dlsu's season 71 loss, seriously, and my job. but there's no better way to end the year than to walk away from the things i cannot change, and so i did. this new year, i'll start with a clean slate. i even got a new haircut, a different style for the first time in probably eight years. for free, thank you very much! i'd say that's a good start. ;p

see you never. ;p

yesterday was officially my last day at work. it was supposed to be a holiday, but i had to give in (for the last time..) to another one of the bank's sadistic mandates and reported for work. we operated on offline mode and since transactions posted were validated for jan 2, 2009 (which is again, a holiday.), i didn't log in because i wouldn't be employed by then. :) i answered the phone for the most part of the day, a thing i always did anyway. that is surely one thing i wouldn't miss, having to answer phone calls that weren't mine, and with the phone constantly ringing, it almost felt like the handset was glued to my ear on some days.

anyway.. my official last day was something i have been looking forward to for the whole month of december. it was definitely one of the best days, ever, only because i wouldn't have to go back there as an employee ever again. :) my officemates would joke around and ask me if it was already time to cry, and i'd say, "of course not!" imagine a co-worker telling you this: "alam mo kahit ganyan ka, mami-miss kita." i took it offensively, wtf was that supposed to mean? if it was a joke, it was better left unsaid. i replied, "ganun?" and then walked out. haha! it just wasn't worth it. i know that they will remember me when they cannot (or won't) do the simplest of things (i mean as simple as looking for a client's phone number, the signature cards are there also for that purpose, haller..). imagine, would you miss this? i definitely wouldn't.



i spent the latter half of the month telling clients i resigned. after that statement, i prepared to answer the follow up question, "bakit?" i found it very entertaining how people reacted when i told them i resigned. the automatic assumption was that i had found work elsewhere, probably at another bank. a runner up assumed reason for my resignation was that i was going abroad. when i say that i'm not transferring or going abroad, they'd think i was resigning because i was getting married. ha? i had to laugh everytime i got asked this because i'm thinking, aren't you supposed to work harder if you're getting married? i mean unless you're marrying somebody insanely rich, but then again, a woman can get married and keep her career right? what are we, living in the olden days? to that, again, i'd say no. the best follow up question i got was "bakit, may naka-away ka ba?" haha! showbiz much? i don't think i ever really gave a straight up reason for my resignation. artista lang, i've intentionally avoided having to explain my decision for like the nth time. i do not have a new job elsewhere, for the simple reason that i couldn't even show up for interviews because i couldn't take a leave from work. i am not going abroad, i couldn't even bear to be away from home for more than a week. definitely, i am not getting married (hahaha, very funny!) my resignation letter indicates my reason for resignation was because i had to attend to personal family matters. yes, we have been planning to put up a business for quite some time now but haven't gotten around to actually doing that, and i want to help. could i have helped my family while still keeping my job? why yes, of course! do i still want to be sane? hell yes. so i let go of the thing that has been very very toxic to my system, my work. what about it, you ask? the work, is bearable. work is work. there were days when i'd go home and just have a good cry to let out the stress, but there were also days when it was petiks mode: ON. i just got tired of it. at any workplace, there is a system. if everybody does his or her part, then things would get done. i got tired of waiting for people to do their part and having to pick up their slack. i got tired of being taken for granted (and i don't ask for much). i had enough of not being able to make my own judgement calls, which is really frustrating, because from experience, somebody else would overrule it. what were the guidelines for, display? also, it wasn't really helpful that for questionable transactions or procedures, i had to call up another person from another branch to confirm what i already know or tell me what to do. i should've asked a superior but for the most part, i'd rather not. i learned what i know now not only because somebody taught me the fundamentals but mainly because i taught myself. i had to ask other people how things get done. i had to know almost by heart the things i learned at my mti training, which is probably the only training ever worth attending. i am not being ungrateful to the people who have been my mentors, but for somebody else to take credit for what i have become at work is very unacceptable. the things you learn at work, for work, should've been taught to you by somebody from work. the kiss of death sealed the deal. i had suffered full blown job burn out.

i have been bitter about my work for the longest time and i realize that i'm now only bitter on the surface, if there ever was such a thing. some people may love pain, love the feeling of being broken-hearted, i, on the other hand love the feeling of being bitter. i get a kick out of making bitter comments, haha, but at the end of the day, i don't lose sleep over it. bitter-bitteran lang. ;p

so there. i had a lot to say. very cathartic. probably won't be the last, haha! i am just so loving my new found freedom. ;p to my former career, see you never. ;p

on His special day..

kuya jess, happy birthday!!!

pa-cheeseburger ka naman.. ;p

close day.

finally.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

it's over before you know it..

december's half way over. i haven't blogged much these past few weeks, i've been avoiding it really, cause then i'd have to edit out what i'd have to say. i rendered my resignation last november. i only have two weeks left at work, and i still have mixed emotions about it. artista lang.

i had my exit interview at our head office last friday. i had waited for this interview especially during the times when i was at my absolute lowest at work, when i was so frustrated. i've always thought i'd give them a piece of my mind, a large chunk at that. but, the previous evening, i was able to watch survivor philippines' final two face the jury. and i can describe the jury with just one word: bitter. or make that two: very bitter. it got me thinking about what i'd say during my interview. i don't want to sound like i'm bitter, i am already leaving anyway. i'm going to answer all questions honestly. i'm not going to rant on and on about how at some point i was bordering depression (that's what this blog is partially for) going to work. and so i got there, with my exit interview form in hand. i had waited longer than i was interviewed. the interview was really just for formality's sake and it played out really well.

so here it goes, i resigned. i've two weeks left (plus a day if they consider december 29 a working holiday..). i'll be cleaning out my workstation and be saying goodbye to my clients. though i have been contemplating the thought of resigning for a really long time, it still hasn't sunk in now that it has become a reality. i remember saying that this is my biggest regret. it just so happens that my resignation feels like the best decision i've ever made. i'll be jobless in a couple of weeks, it'll be frightening as hell, but i'd rather jump into the unknown than continue drowning in knee deep water i know i can get out of simply by standing up.

what a stupid lamb. ;p

i had a hell-ish week and the only thing that made me go on was the thought that i'd get to watch twilight by the end of the week. true enough, i survived just fine. :)

***

i've already watched twilight three times. yeah, i'm pretty much addicted. prior to watching it, i've read all four books (thanks to rica :) ), i've seen 'pirated' scenes on youtube, and i've re-read twilight this past week. i've set no expectations for the movie so that i wouldn't get disappointed. the book is better, much much better than the movie. but, getting to see the book come to life isn't half bad either. i'm bordering on turning fangirl-ish and the only thing that's stopping me is that i think i'm too old for this sh*t. so what?! i only get to be twenty-five going on seventeen once. haha!

i have also been watching rob's (robert pattinson, that's right! we're tight likethis) interviews on youtube. for a while there, i couldn't get over the hair. man, i just wanted to brush his hair or something. and then i got over the hair. i can live with that. but i still can't get over him. i <3 you, rob. (call me ;p hahaha!!!)

D day + 1

looks like i'm in for a bumpy ride, but i know that the destination is so worth it. freedom, at last. i could almost taste it. ;p

when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

breakeven - the script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even... even... no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even even... no

What am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains ooh
Cos you left me with no love and no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayin' to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break
No it don't break
No it don't break even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
(Oh glad your okay now)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(Oh I'm glad your okay)
I'm falling to pieces yeah
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no
Oh it don't break even no

what would i do without you? come on..

chris brown-rihanna live at taguig 11.16.08

just got back from watching chris brown and rihanna live at taguig and i've got two words: never again.

yeah, they were great performers but the venue being an open field was pure crap. crap crap crap. i've learned my lesson. for open field events, it's front row or nothing. i'd prefer watching from araneta colesium's GA. haha. ;p interval between the two acts took over an hour. an entire, freaking hour. crap.

and. big AND. simon atkins was there. seen on the wide screen several times. so near yet so far. it was like fate, tempting. ;p (yeah, i wish!)

gahd.

i've just been given the kiss of death. yesterday. gahd. holy crap. i still know where my heart's at. at least. i really need to take my mind off it.

i need a margarita. ;p

can i have this dance?

i'll always be a disney kid at heart and HSM is my guilty pleasure. ;p love the song, love the choreography, and i must say i love zac efron. hahaha! all of my frustrations, captured in a movie scene. ftw!